So I'm playing pool in my cowboy boots and some guy came up looks at my boots and goes, "you should've got the boots with the fur"
OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
fuck your aforementioned shoe
In the hospital waiting to be tested for the first uti of the school year....I'm BACK BTICHES.
Isn't it statistically impossible for THAT many ugly people to be in one place at one time?
If you could smell my eyes you'd understand the whole story
You had salsa out and brought a banana on a plate to bed
I threw all my money on the ground and said it was for homeless people and fell down the stairs
I made a bet with her that she would show me her tits if I finished my beer. Only on spring break.
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
If you call getting home safe by sprinting down Spanish Harlem barefoot still rolling then ya I made it
Just when I thought I was growing up, I go out and TOTALLY REDEEM MYSELF
I have standards. Maybe not when it comes to men.. but definitely when it comes to sex
I once went to target high on hydrocodone. I assure you, they can handle unrespectable.
Randomize
