Sry I left before you woke up. The house was really fucked up and I didn't feel like helping you clean. PS Somebody threw up on your dog
well as my mentor always said, "Don't antagonize the man whose penis gives you multiple orgasms."
there is no way i can order from that cashier at in n out after she tried helping me while i was drunkenly puking in their bathroom at 11 am
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
I was expecting it to be of the "I am your vagina's reckoning" caliber.
The feeling I get when I hear beer bottles clinking must be what children feel when they hear sleigh bells on Christmas Eve
Just saw some lesbians get in a fistfight in an Arby's parking lot. It's good to be home.
It was Thanksgiving sex. I was thankful for it. Need I say more?
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
Decided to make myself tequila gummy bears but got impatient and just drank the bowl of tequila.
This is the beginning of the end. Testicle Tuesdays and free ball Friday are going to scar people for life
Dude that picute of your balls will haunt my nightmares
sometimes you just gotta eat tacobell at 2am and cry all your feelings out
Man, I'm real high and googling what all my favorite figure skaters from childhood are doing now.
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
There are flour footprints all over the house. Either u guys are trying to pull that Paranormal Activity shit on me again, or u got drunk and tried to make pancakes.
Randomize
