Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
Ohhh, TODAY your worried. Becasue last weekend when we warned you about her you said "shes too hot to have herpes."
Its like after 6 beers, the clap doesn't scare me anymore.
2 out of 3 people here lost their shoes. America.
OHMYGOD did I try to use pinesol as a mixer?
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
That ACT prep teacher knew i was hung. I could see it in her eyes.
First roommate to find me and dance with me will live. Battle Royale.
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
Honestly it's a super power. I can try it a million different ways and nothing happens. Donnie casually says "ok this is now a toppless party" and it all kicks-off
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
I woke up with jello shots in pant pockets so I must've had fun
She knew the head wasn't all that so she gave me her taco. I'm will in to give her a second chance.
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
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