med student doing my blood work at the AIDS clinic just hit on me after I told him i was having unprotected sex, but didn't think i had HIV.
i definitely just woke up with half of a cigarette tucked underneath my balls. Last night must have been interesting
I could feel myself puking on my feet but it was so warm i didnt even care.
Btw, whenever you feel discouraged about your life, think about me being frantically upset bc my mobile porn site limited me to only 5 videos a day
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
So I am watching ghostbusters and I realized Rick moranis is basically in the friends zone than he turns into the key master bangs her and it leads to the end of the world...maybe there is a reason people are in the friend zone
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
Not gonna lie: had to look up how to spell fellatio. Not sure I spelled it right even now. Looks like a Shakespearean character. ENTER FELLATIO, SOLILOQUIZING.
ANIME MEN ARE MAKING ME QUESTION MY SEXUALITY AGAIN
Someone keeps hanging up bible verse posters in the bathroom stall I masturbate in at work.
She dated an Australian guy or some dude with an accent. Normal guys don't stand a chance.
CHALLENGE ACCEPTED.
All I heard was "sit on my face" "okay" and muffled screaming. I'm still disappointed.
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