P.S. I can't hear my feet
i have a $600 bill for my ER visit in which they did nothing but suggest to me that i am an alcoholic.
Just walked by a group of guys calling out walks of shame with a mega phone from their front porch.
I wish we couldve been like jesus and the desiples tongith
I think I'm still drunk and I think you were in my dream (sadly, it was not a sexual bill murray one).
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
You screamed 'no, YOU put some pants on' at a cop. I pretended not to know you.
This is home. And home is where you find your family. And you try not to make out with your family.
You now have the mental image of me flying off into the sunset with no pants
It's cool bro. The video I have of you drunk trying to fix it with the sonic screwdriver was worth it.
I just poured two shots of fireball into my Rapunzel mug I love finals.
Eat, nap, & pace yourself. Words to live by.
half way down the stairs my legs said fuck this and i just fell the rest of the way...
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
Randomize
