It's like having an annoying little brother who wants to have sex with you
he has cookie breath... dont trust fat people.
They upped the price of Plan B! Rite-aid is going to be the reason I have illegitimate kids.
And I'm PMSing. So if I'm not crying, I'm masturbating.
nothing says 'im willing to leave my comfort zone for you' like letting you choke me during sex
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
he kept telling me how much his girlfriend would love me while we were making. why does tequila always do this to me?
This coke is making my nose hairs dance. That good.
I don't know how I'm going to know it's her, I only know what she looks like with a wig on
SHE COULD ALREADY BE HERE AND I WOULDN'T EVEN KNOW
All I really remember is shouting "THANKS FOR LETTING ME MAKE OUT WITH YOUR GIRLFRIEND."
What can I say? You have this amazing power over straight girls.
he stopped talking to me, quit his job, moved out of the province and then told me it was "no big" when I called him apologizing...
Nothing says "First Single Holidays" quite like getting baked with the guy that took your virginity four years ago.
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
You know, you could always move. Lol somewhere without gators, water moccasins, and Marco Rubio.
Some nights you do cocaine till 5:00 in the morning, and the next night you teach yourself how to crochet. It’s called balance.
Randomize
