Only you could turn Mozart into a stripper song.
The chance that I have herpes may have made me find god
she must've caught on when i went out for a "run" in jeans and a sweatshirt and came back holding a McDonalds bag and smelling like pot.
They are pre-gaming a trip to congress...not sure how politically correct the group is.
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
She pointed at me and told her friend, I'm going to fuck him, its going to be really loud, so yes, i need the whole basement.
i'm drinking whiskey out of a ziplock bag in a movie theater. i'm THAT girl.
He puked on the grill while the burgers were on. We had to go to taco bell
What's a good pandora station to masturbate to?
I feel like I was eaten by a coyote, then shit over a cliff...
Yeah except my drinking partners aka my parents went to sleep Cuz ya know, they're old.
I just watched this dude try to convince this girl to go home with him. She was like, That's cute, you're cute.and she just walked away. Man I'm so not drunk enough to be around this level of sad.
In the words of my step grandma "whatever makes your pussy happy"
yeah it's a weird friendship. we pretend that we're automatic besties but i know we both know i slept with her boyfriend
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
Randomize
