So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
Convinced the domino's pizza delivery person to go to shaws and buy me a bottle of wild turkey. For america.
Yeaaah. I'm kinda wary about that guy. Does he still have that taser that he found on the train?
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
THEY SELL PREFROZEN MARGARITAS AND THEY COME WTH A STRAW. MY PRIORITIES ARE IN ORDER
He's in the same dorm as me. We are sharing a laundry room, gym, and cafeteria. I'VE ALREADY COMMITTED DORMCEST AND MOVE-IN DAY ISN'T UNTILL NEXT WEEK!!!!
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
Omg I literally just wanna sleep with you right now. Like actual sleep. Not sex. Well maybe. But sleep first
that is either the most profound and meaningful thing i've ever heard, or someone got high before noon again.
On a side note, my ex husband offered to buy me shrooms
It's a lot harder to work after sex than it is to work drunk... just saying.
A girl just managed to steal a whole gallon of ice cream. I'm letting her go because that is impressive.
i gotta say this to some one...... my penis feels sooooooooo sooooooft, its amazing
like for real, sooooooooooooooo smoooooooooooooth its amazing
I can't wait for you to read this text tomorrow
I was pretty sure he wouldn't be into me after I fucked his brother, and then his best friend, and yet, here I am doing lines off his stomach
Randomize
