Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
Spider just rapelled from her vag rethinking online dating.
I can't believe he would be such an ass
Your boobs are way too big for you to be worrying about anything.
does pizza still have the 5 second rule in the bubble bath?
OMG HE JUST PUKED WITH THE DOOR OPEN WHILE DRIVING ON THE ROAD AND OMG WE NEED TO CHAT BUT NOT ATM CAUSE THERES PUKE ON MY PHONE
There is a pube in my fucking eyeball
And by "got a tattoo" i mean i got a tattoo in the dorm bathrooms with a guy using his cousin's tattoo gun.
Lets play hurricane shelter. And the shelter is my bed, and we forgot our clothes.
New rule. Every time you and I have a disagreement that lasts longer than 10min, while in a bar, we'll have a shot. Figure we'll eventually start agreeing sooner rather than later...
Come through the front door when you get here.
Right now I'm so wasted I can't determine whats a door and a window.
tom claimed she had a star tattooed around her buttonhole. i am not prepared for this era of skankyness
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
OMG I COULD FUCK HIM FOR POT, THIS CHANGES THE WHOLE GAME.
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
The last thing I need is a possessed urethra.
Randomize
