sorry about last night, sometimes people just get drunk and have sex witht heir friends
I know, I was there.
Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
my text book just quoted the cookie monster
I told him I'd have sex with him for fried cheese. Does that make me a hooker or just fat?
I had a dream that we erected a stage in our living room for "impromptu performances" how can we make this a reality?
Last night was the first night with all of the roommates, and what started as a calm night of light drinking got out of hand. There's a girl on my couch wearing only a fanny pack.
You remember the guy that busted in waving a tazer at everyone yelling "get the fuck outta my crib"?
yeah you don't forget that shit easily
We ended up crawling out from our hiding spot and playing pool with him once he calmed down. His name is Marcus. I got his email.
He did leave his bud tall boy and 2 choco tacos, so not a total loss.
He's pretty cool once you ignore the fact that he's trying to get into your pants
For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
"Like what guy would respond to 'let's fuck. I've got bagels'??"
who knew tequila and Christmas cookies would go so well together
You squatted and peed on the living room floor while maintaining eye contact with Sebastian
YOU GOT ME SO DRUNKK
i got me so drunk!
He’s like an awkward walking penis that has a personality attached
Randomize
