The kid next to me is typing a powerpoint presentation.. title: Reasons to Wear a Condom, subtitle: The Ian Story
The first slide was titled: You Could Get a Girl Pregnant.
Woke up next to a half eaten California burrito. It was tucked in.
When I blacked in, I was crying to my father at the swim-up bar that "I was going to win an Oscar." how do you THINK Mexico was?
Bless her heart. Her stupid, drunk, adderall-ed heart.
So good!! I became real good friends with an adorable black lesbian couple from Baltimore and a man in a diaper.
ALMOST WRECKED MY SCOOTER. DAVE FRANCO HAS A TWIN AMD HE GOES HERE
I don't think that calm, have their shit together people actually exist.
how does someone with a Masters Degree leave poop in an ashtray in the sink? It just blows my mind
Come on kid, foreplay is elementary stuff. It's a vagina, not a sphinx.
"I played a game called "how drunk can you get in a minute" last night. How was your Thursday?"
I got titty fucked last night and you're breastfeeding your newborn. Clearly we have gone two totally different paths since 2011.
Nana saw my nipple rings & made me watch Joel Osteen all morning
I'm not too sure what happened last night, but by the looks of it, we must have gotten drunk with zebras.
Angels sing when his face is between my thighs. I came 3 times before he even came up for air.
Apparently I was carrying around a bottle of listerine calling it 5 loco
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