the women in the ladies room did not appreciate my innovation of turning a sink into a urinal
Would we rather be in rehab with the drug addicts or the girls with low self esteem?
i cant believe i hit a parked car with a pink dildo in my mouth... fuckin epic
when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre
i'm duct taped to my bed with a condom in my hand. something went wrong
The cop and I then joined forces to get you up off the sidewalk.
Thank god the bicycalist i hit was on drugs
I miss the smell of you or some shit.
Come to me. Jacob is confessing his love and all I want is a hot dog. With chili. Not love.
Went to 3 separate liquor stores today and I just made a huge tray of jello shots. This will be the Thanksgiving that puts all the others to shame.
Sitting in back of morning lecture drinking a daqueri from my pink unicorn cup. Pretty sure the girl next to me smells it.
I would feel bad that's he's locked out naked, but the world should really see that.
I couldn't finish the episode and had to lay down because the snapple commercial with the mustache was blowing my mind
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
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