i am sick of getting naked and seeing how fat i am.
New pre-game routine....wal-mart bathrooms...quality beers for free...hallelujah
Getting high magically turns headaches into rainbows.
You need to be more adventurous.
I am! Just not in a "I wanna get diseases" way
The best part about drinking boxed wine is you can blow up the bag and use it as a pillow
YOU'RE FORCING ME TO BLOW A GUY BY NOT ANSWERING MY CALLS
He woke up in a dragon costume, covered in bong water. That was a party we will regret missing.
Dude, did you know, your blood is contaminated with over 17 non-beer fluids?
At one point, he came in to give her a pep talk, and then after he left, she just kept whispering his name into the toilet between heaves.
I tried to walk home in my heels. And I fell into a snow bank. And then I cried and a policeman came up to me and said I can't sit in a snowbank and got me a cab. So maybe that's where I left my credit card. I remember the cop asking me if I was old enough to drink, too. OMG. How embarrassing. Pretty sure I told him to "leave me alone."
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
Just a suggestion, don't apricot scrub your vagina.
She was on top, but I lost her at "alright, you look like predator."
Hold on I'll be right there, I can't find my arm.
You'll probably laugh but I am currently in bed in the fetal position wrapped in only my ninja turtles towel. Save me.
Randomize
