Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
Pooping in your heated bathroom to the sound of rain and instrumental guitar might be the greatest experience ever.
my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
Is it wrong of me that I wish I could be a midget for a day so I can give head standing up?
I wish my period boobs were my regular boobs.
dude relax anyone of us could have gotten that girl pregnant
I'm really starting to miss his dick. Like so much I'm actually tempted to try and work things out with him again.
went from writing my paper to watching obamas speech to crushing beers and singing springsteen in a crowd of 100 within 20 minutes. I love this country
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
She just tried to talk over a fart. The fart was way longer than the sentence she originally wanted to say so she just added gibberish to the end. Gross
I'm pretty sure I just crapped out my pancreas. I have 2 of those, right?
it would be a downgrade if your vagina tasted like skittles
Girl I love you like I've been drinking all day
I stopped him mid keg stand to show him how cute my bra was...
This should be illegal
It is
I mean more illegal... I shouldn't have this
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