So the last day on the vacation I woke up in the bath tub. My mom said she asked me during the night what I was doing and I said, "swimming."
OMG MY MOM JUST ASKED IF I WAS GETTING PAP SMEAR TOMORROW VERY LOUDLY WHILE WE ARE STANDING IN A VERY PUBLIC LINE.
so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
he borrowed my computer and saw his name in my recent google searches. Things got awkward real fast.
My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
please don't go to jail. I'd hate to have to call the montgomery county jail every time I need sex advice
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
He just kept yelling cup my balls to everyone they kicked us out after 20 min
You sprinted into the side of a parked car
My lighter is stuck in my beard.
He was playing minecraft so I took a shower with my vibrator
So apparently dinosaur erotica does, in fact, exist.
a reward? ill think of something
if its not drugs or food I swear to god ill throw a fit
Im not as flexible as I once was, but I still managed to get eaten out in the front seat of a hummer behind keddies.
Randomize
