not my fault. i got her to believe he wrote an oasis song. he still managed to find a way to make sure no girl ever gets near his penis.
You even been so high breaking up weed with your fingers feels like surgery?
I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
Most fantastic sex ever until her Doberman took an interest in what we were doing. There was nothing more terrifying then feeling warm dog breath on my ballsack.
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
Note to self: never do anything I don't want to explain to a paramedic
I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
Were at her birthday dinner and her dad keeps buying me shots saying when I was your age I fucked the shit outta girls
Hahahahahaha remind him your dating his daughter
Really, thanks for buying me caribou, it helped me out. Today will forever be the day I threw up in a caribou cup in the skyway outside of chipotle.
I may not have eyeballs after all the drunk naked people having sex outside.
There's 50 people in our house, none of them are wearing shirts. The keg has been relocated twice and our bathroom door is missing again...when will we ever learn?
I just went through the Wendy's drive thru only wearing a towel. My life has hit an all time low
I'm mailing you cans of corn and that's final.
My feelings for him are donzo molonzo but I can't turn down a pierced penis...
My friends said as soon as you walked in, I motor boated you like there was no tomorrow.
Yeah, I liked it.
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