Unfortunately, they didn't pull of their wake and bake plans. Instead, they waked and vomited like a half-retarded giraffe till everyone woke up.
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
Screw this I'm going to go talk to her. If you hear sirens they're for me.
christmas break will be like the 25 days of orgasms
I mean, I know they're ugly, but I cant turn down a birthday threesome.
will you please explain to me as to why or how i have a dirtbike tread looking bruise on my back?
Well the pizza delivery man was either startled or incredibly intrigued to see me skateboarding in the living room by myself at 1 in the morning in ripped pantyhose
Hey, this is Travis. I just so intelligently deduced that I am in a college dorm somewhere in western oregon. Probably WOU, based on the process of elimination.
Drinking Fireball means never having to say you're sorry. Unless its at you're arraignment.
You know you're gay when you have to have your coworkers explain to you why your bracket is terrible
Everyone says she blew me in the bathroom, so I believe it, I just don't REMEMBER.
Too much dab too little lung dying šµšµšµ
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
So technically I made out with my second cousin this weekend... But it's by marriage and I'm adopted, so it's ok.
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
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