I cant. I'm trying to smell my vagina.
I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
the fda needs to get their shit together cause these four loko going away parties are gonna kill me
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
I don't know if it was his cologne or his Jesus hair, but he was much more fuckable than last time I saw him.
Now that I think about it, it may have been the 6 pitchers of beer.
uh, 3 redbulls and 400mg of caffeine pills and i still feel like life is in slowmotion..lets not take tranquilizers again.
I'm back in the dating scene now... Since the legality issue calmed down. And my stalking charges were dropped.
Fucking shoot me with this y'all shit. You were in Texas for 2months you do not have an accent Madonna
Some dude with an OSU jersey just kissed him in the face in front of everyone. I should mention he's wearing a Panda costume. And has already been offered $20 for his suit by Plushies for oral sex.
My buddy just got straight up kicked out of the bar on my bday for water boarding people with beer and bar towels
The guy I blew last night was pierced in multiple places. I had to use extra caution to avoid my temporary filling.
I'm daydrinking whiskey in a princess hat
Woke up in a bathtub with both of my legs broken. How was your night?
He waved at a guy who drove by while we were having sex in the back of a rental car in a hospital parking garage prior to visiting family. Almost made me feel guilty but I liked it too much.
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
Randomize
