Peanut Butter and turkey sandwich...this may come back to haunt me
i should write a book entitled 'the joys of being sexually objectified'
you know how i said i wouldn't send that pic message of your lofted bed falling from you fucking a fat chick? that was after i sent it to your mom
I need to have sex with you on our hotel room window ledge... This is a need not a request.
You convinced us both to take shots of jack Daniels through our eyes.
when I went into his room, he was sleeping on his stomach, almost as if to silently say, "you're not touching my dick tonight".
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
I'm gunna send you baby bottles of vodka for those nights when you just give up
the shoes thing blows my mind idk how the fuck i did that and im also missing 4 of my birth control pills like did i drunkenly decide to overload my body with estrogen
He's 5'2" and his dick 4'8"
don't bring your nerd jargon into this conversation about my naked body
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
Can you please stop having such an active social life? I'm tryna get fucked over here
R.I.P my virginity. TOD 12:37pm
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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