dude, I'm listening to "I believe I can fly", i'm high, and driving. this is so amazing.
his penis was the training wheels of my sex life
his mom called while we were having sex and asked if we could finish in his brothers room because her ceiling fan was about to fall on her bed
waking up outside has become so normal, the paper boy knows to set the paper next to me
the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic
I really hope your new roommate never finds out we had a threesome with a bisexual British guy in his room the night before he moved in.
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
Nick's drunk off his ass and Kyle just Texted me and all he said was "butt pirates from space".
Yes dating, but it seems easier to just live in a perpetual state of Netflix, internet porn, and cheese.
Like, defending PBR and Bio Dome consumes a lot of my time.
No one needs to know about the barren wasteland that is my vag. Sometimes i visualize my cervix rocking back and forth wondering where everybody went.
I just pictured that. It's reading a book.
I can check masterbating in China off the bucket list.
Decisions were made. The quality of them will be judged tomorrow
Pretty sure he was in my class in like 2nd grade
I like how you know everyone I've ever fellated.
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
Randomize
