a mothers knocking is a guaranteed boner softener
My idea of sleeping together involves doing the Humpty Hump. Her idea of sleeping together focused more on being fully clothed on the opposite sides of a king sized bed.
No gym. Sooooo hung over. Just puked up the water I drank and it still has ice cubes in it.
yea i guess its safe to say fire extinguishers are not synonymous with whip cream cans
you convinced the bartender to un-cut you off by letting him touch your boobs whenever you ordered a drink.
Hmm. I hear gunshots, car horns blaring, hear drunk white people screaming, and see about fifty status updates pertaining to the hawks. I guess they won.
fat chick, vomit on the dog, and three unidentifiable pills in my ear. all in the same ear. what the hell happened after the guests showed up?
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
Also I just had a flash back ... He told me I have nice nipples and then asked me about yours..
Nope, had to pee on the side got violated by tall grass. Then someone came around the corner and I had to stop mid pee to dive into the car.. Pants down
It's amazing where one well timed dick pic can get you in life.
I don't know if I want to fuck him or punch him in the face.
It's only just- an eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth, a nude for a nude
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
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