im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
How much cunt could a cunt bag punch if a cunt bag could punch cunt?
i just complicated the hell out of my summer by fucking him this early on
Who invented hangovers? And why did I make out with him and eat an entire can of chilli mixed with hot fries while screaming "YOU ONLY GRADUATE ONCE" last night?
You tired to make us "vodka tacos". Which was just you dipping pitas in vodka.
Any good?
Well. FUCK YA. But that's beside the point
Want to go swimsuit shopping? First one who cries buys ice cream.
Your dick is going to fall off. Be careful or you'll get callouses. A workingman's dick.
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
Well I either feel like the fat girl or very accomplished because his bed is now broken in three places
How's Vegas?
Woke up with a sculpture of my own head. Been trying to find Ashley for two days. so pretty not too bad.
Hiking for a first date sounded like a good idea in theory because there was absolutely no possibility of me blacking out. In practice, I'd rather black out than go through what I just went through.
I'm trying to blow this guy down here can you please get my husband out of the house.
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
Well we found Mark's missing underwear. They're pinned up on Mike's trophy wall.
I think this is the first time I heard a lesbian version of baby it's cold outside.
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