I'm sitting at the gyno watching cnn in the waiting room
Everyone is walking funny when they come out, ugh I'm not looking forward to this
Let's hear it for middle of the street handjobs ladies and gentlemen
he pissed his pants, and she still wants to hook me up with him. I try not to date guys with bladder control problems... Unless they're loaded anyway.
oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
No joke. Last we saw of him he was naked and dragging that stupid goat into the bushes.
He fucked volume into my hair. It was amazing.
Sometimes I wonder how you ever made friends then I remember it's because you blew your way to semi-relevance
I'm really hoping to find some quality strange ass tonight while at my court appearance.
I sent him a bunch of texts telling him that his beard wasn't long enough yet so we couldn't fuck and to text me back in a few hours if it had.
Last night was a "wash hands with dog shampoo" kind of night
The highlight was when a stranger was nose to nose with you threatening to kick ur ass, and you said "Is that your real face? Stopped him dead.
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
If we hadn't just agreed to no commitment, i'd totally propose right now. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
I hate when pretentious people talk bad ab corn dogs
IT WAS A FUCKING ELEPHANT I SWESR!!!!!
Nathan, I haven't spoken to you in 12 years and it's 6am. Kindly fuck off.
Randomize
