I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
everyone who works at gamestop is basically destined to live with their parents for the rest of their lives... so i said no.
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
If we break up, I want weekend visitations with your penis.
my greatest accomplishment from the city of diplomacy is that i puked at a table of 5 diplomats and my professor and NONE OF THEM NOTICED
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
Just realized Ive had sex in or around each thing listed in Green Eggs and Ham besides the fox.
My parents got me a bottle of vodka and a puke bucket for christmas. I've already used both.
Nobody knows who they are, but they have an ice luge so they are welcome in my book
I've never had sex with me but I assume there are worse ways to be woken up.
I made him dinner in just his cowboy hat and my boots after we did it...you should see his face :)
I smell like a mix of alcohol, sweat, and sex and its only 10 AM
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone dad. And you’re also like a second dad to me who I also send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
I need to get laid. Right now that freshman frat pledge & my Econ professor are the leading candidates
That’s quite a spread
Randomize
