I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
I plan on using my big titties for evil tonight.
Been drinkin since 3, wearing a tutu, how could things go wrong
I introduced him to the male G-Spot. Don't ever tell me I'm not experienced.
Yeah he doesn't get it. We had to change the subject to Keanu reeves before someone got hurt.
There are fucking limits. Jerking another guy off in the bar toes the line.
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
So I fucked her. If you're keeping score at home, it's all tied up with horrible sex with someone I like and great sex with someone I hate both with 1.
This is home. And home is where you find your family. And you try not to make out with your family.
When I'm drunk I really like to hold dicks. Like, affectionately.
He's drinking on a hospital bracelet, the fuck's your excuse?
Ended up in some house where this dude has a $1200 leopard cat
DUDE I FINGERED JOE'S MOM, PLS DONT TELL HIM, MORE LATER
Wow two curved penises in one weekend. I feel like this may be good luck. Like finding a four leaf clover
Randomize
