I'm constantly one strobe light away from an E flashback
My brother brings gifts into my room to wrap them. It's a pizza cutter and a box of condoms..
Any parent would be proud to have a daughter that's a blowjob fairy
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
I don't see what kind of idea someone could get from an envelope covered in jesus stickers and a note from a person and their dog. I'd say crazy person alert before flirting.
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
Why do I think he'd like to keep my hair in a box?
GOOGLE HAS JUST RELEASED AN UPDATE THAT ALLOWS YOU TO CATCH POKEMON USING MAPS. Pack your shit, our time has COME.
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
I'm so high right now that I'm wearing gloves.
That's true because who the fuck doesn't love Harry Potter and beer
go for it girl, the world is ur dick oyster
We drunkenly made out once four years ago and then he immediately vomited and honestly I've never gotten over him
Not drinking until my bday. I know it's only a few days but it feels like when couples get celibate before the wedding and there's all that tension.
tell raye i said hi and sorry for bleeding on the limes
Randomize
