No touching my privates on the ride to school. Pinky swear.
she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
I cannot believe how calm you were last night about telling Katie she was on fire.
I can hear the condescending tone from the atm when it asks if $3 is all I would like to deposit
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
I know this is random but to this day I regret not having sex with you on that atv on the top of that mountain underneath the American flag.
Well, I had a dudes gf walk in on us the next morning but nothing during...She shook my hand after I got dressed and said "nice to meet you with your clothes on" best moment of my life.
The word cocktail makes me want to rip my liver out and nail it to a cross.
Yeah..I guess you know your hair looks like shit when TSA asks to inspect it
Woke up to the UT campus police fishing my boxers out of the university pool, guess it was a good night.
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
They got mad when I cut the pizza with an x-acto knife. Oh well, more for me then.
This mustache is awesome. I can't pass by a mirror without looking in it and thinking damn, I'd like to give that guy a handy.
My drug dealer is giving me a 15% veterans discount on my weed for nov 11th
That's the best thing I've heard all week.
Update: I just threw up in between cars in the parking lot of magic kingdom.
Randomize
