Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
he just told me i make him happier than drugs. that's some serious shit right there
I need a therapist, but moreover we are going to be really drunk.
Just tapped my penis on the head and said "this will be your year buddy."
We split an eighth of shrooms and went ice fishing. It didn't get weird until I caught one and we both started crying.
Shotgunning beers to finish a midterm project at 3am is a good idea right?
There is nothing wrong with me introducing you as elephant dick. Nothing.
wanna come over? I have movies.
sure, what movies
porn or disney, your choice
Well I can't be held accountable to know every which time you slid a finger here or slid a finger there. I'm way too busy getting close to climaxing to document these things.
ill drive you to the airport today if we can have sex first
i left yesterday
ill pick you up from the airport on sunday if we can have sex after
shots, cocks, socks. bingo
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
Randomize
