I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
is it bad if i hope guys are like edward cullen and can read my mind. i could be a whore in disguise.
Is it just me or do I always seem to have cum in my bellybutton?
Cant decide who was more of a mess the morning after... me when i passed out in the bathroom stall or you when you sprayed yourself down with hairspray thinking it was sunblock
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
she fucked me tho cuz it was her cat's birthday. As soon as we were done she just says "ahhh tequila tuesdays"
My goal for break? Fuck all my exes in reverse order.
I have Denny's hours of operations written on the palm of my hand....not in my writing, in a girls writing, is that as good as or equal to a cell number?
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
I'm ready to sell my soul to the strip club tonight
ever had one of those days where you say fuck it and lick the inside of a bag of chips
Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
We have to do it Saturday and get a thirty. If i remember correctly it takes me 12 beers to become a wizard
Let me just get through this whole court subpoena thing and then ill go back to buying alcohol for minors.
WTF. I was 99% sure I went straight home last night. I just woke up hugging a chair, and my tux pocket has a flask filled with what I think is red bull and gatorade. This has to be your doing.
Randomize
