I need to talk to you about an important matter involving lesbians.
M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
honestly if we didnt hate the same people we would have a friendship based on nothing
Yessssss I diiiiid! I enjoyed 38% of it. There are 4 qualifications and 2 were good. 1. There is a penis in my vagina (Pass) 2. It's a big penis (Fail) 3. The sex is long and exciting and makes me sweat and have 6 pack abs (fail) 4. I got off (uhhh potential to pass...)
What part of I'm done do you not understand? Im not going to send you sex photos to prove I've moved on..
I got my little bro high for the first time... Turns out the two of us stoned together is a mess. We spent 10 minutes trying to communicate with each other using just our eyebrows.
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
yo knit me an eyepatch. but also make it usable as a thong
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
His dog was laying on the bed and he said we could have sex as long as we didn't disturb his dog. My life is pathetic
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
we're gonna read the declaration of independence and do a shot for every word he doesn't understand.
Im glad your laughing because im currently convincing my penis you didnt mean it and its all gunna be ok.
I’ve basically been controlling him with my tits for months now, so I can’t even imagine what would happen if I start banging him
Randomize
