half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
I can't believe I wasted a google wave invite on her.
just woke up to two already rolled blunts and a full explanation of what happened last night. I love my gf
I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
I'm fucking an ugly guy. Don't come home.
well now I have to
he had the kids march single file in front of us on the way home so they didn't have to watch him pulling me passed out in their wagon...
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
Apparently I walked to Denny's in the pouring rain without shoes just socks last night. Excellent.
So your bra was hanging in the Christmas tree last night at some point I think
The last time I've felt a woman's touch, the twin towers were compromised. You can wait like one week
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
I had a dream I got back with Amanda. And then cheated on her the same day. Even my conscious is a dick
I peed on his bed and he still likes me. #keeper
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