Everything was going good until she wanted to update her status...You forgot to close pterodactyl porn from this morning. Clothes went back on.
So I was gonna stay in tonight but the president got me motivated! I will not quit. Bars here I come.
The cab driver referred to me as his little gumdrop, im sure he won't feel the same when he sees the vomit all over his floor.
woke up to the trail of sugar cubes leading to my bed........was i that uncooperative last night
its not college until your roomate walks in on you having sex in his bed. twice
We name dropped you at the liquor store and got a ten percent discount!
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
I was changing in front of my window and my neighbor text me saying, "nice pubes."
I like her. She smells like old lady but tastes like whiskey
I am just saying if Clark Kent walks into your life, you fuck him
Mom told me you snuck booze into a concert in a cheez its box...I have never been prouder to be related to you
Stuck in the Minneapolis airport for 3 hours with an expense budget and a wine bar. This could get out of hand quickly.
Yeeah, I think a threesome is one of those wedding presents you can't register for at Bed Bath And Beyond..
Instead of asking him how many women he's slept with I just got straight to the point and asked how many Plan B pills he's purchased
Gonna be late for work. Sex comes first. Priorities.
Randomize
