Best. Four. Twenty. Ever.
you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
new girl just came onto the hall stumbling drunk with no shoes on and the guy who brought her doesn't have them either
Snorting lines of xanex off the back of my grandparents toilet before church. Thinking of u.
The bartender asked if I wanted a to-go cup for my crown and coke.....I just realized I'm back in Montana and fuck did I miss home.
Our penis' have led to more networking than mark zuckerberg.
I haven't seen her in ages, how is she?
Well I woke up next to her this morning so I guess I would say she could be doing better
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
I think my vagina has grown over, not unlike earring holes when not used in a long amount of time.
you said you would race him to taco bell but you slipped in the parking lot and just laid there, crying
He came over in a blaze orange vest with a case of beer and a shotgun yelling about "Dove Season" then passed out in the lawn. There he lies
Did he think I was flirting with him when I ordered a hot dog bc no
Alright I'd bang a 4 sober, It's been like 3-4 weeks or how ever long 4th of July was ago. I wanna fuck something.
4th of July was 12 days ago. The date is literally in the text you just sent.
I don't care about the dates I just wanna bone something.
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
One minute we're singing Wagon Wheel, and the next you're belly dancing in a trash bag on the beer pong table
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