I told you I would drunk text you sometime........its that time.
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
My chest smells like french fries. Get at me attractive men.
I also slapped not one but two bananas on the ass, twerked in public, and I think I made out with someone
FOUND MY PANTIES COMINY JOME
We're going to ride the bus of mixed signals all the way to unrequited love town and that's where I'm going to live my life and then die.
if i ever get to the point where i am moaning when i pee, please do the honorable thing and kill me.
It got weird I got a phone call while looking at porn and the video started playing while on the phone full on porn audio.
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
Well, the night started out with you ALMOST falling out of a tree. Then we went back to the tree after about 9 shots and you DID fall out of the tree.
I blacked out in the cab last night... Cant remember getting in the front door, also i got into bed with my grandma.
I lost my virginity to Adventure Time. DO YOU NOT UNDERSTAND THE SIGNIFICANCE?!
She was calling him Bob Saget and asking him to buy her shots....how do you think the night went?
There's a pregnant girl taking shots of apple juice
Randomize
