Here's my recipe for happiness. Go get a pen. 1. smoke a bowl 2. put on explosions in the sky 3. take a bath. Do this for about 1 hour or until all your problems go away.
he has cookie breath... dont trust fat people.
she sucked my dick to get the taste of the last guy's out. I need to find a new friend with benefits.
she screamed"i told you already! counter clockwise spiral and the clockwise spiral!!" right in the middle of sex
wow, i never thought dating a choreographer would be so harsh
21st Birthday Idea: liquor store gift registry. Give me a promotion.
She just called to say she can support a full bottle of vodka between "the girls" now. I'm going over, don't try and stop me.
HE'S BRINGING FRIED MAC AND CHEESE BITES. I GET FRIED MAC AND CHEESE AND SEX PEOPLE. BEST WEDNESDAY EVER.
I'm just gonna clean the house so my Mom won't think I'm hung over. I'll just start with the toilet
You invented a drink at the bar and named it Boner Soup. It was like an even trashier version of a long island iced tea
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
Well, I currently have zero fuckboys and my vibrator just broke. A fresh start to May.
Yeah. I fucked her boyfriend, she knows, and she still wants to keep dating him. That's love.
Disclaimer- Don’t worry about my wounded nip. I put a bandaid on it.
Randomize
