please stop taking shits in my toilet and leaving them there.
Yeah next time you are over I'll let you beat it on her pillows and you will feel better.
Is today national text-a-girl-whose-had-your-dick-in-her-mouth day and I just wasn't aware?? I am getting the most random "just saying hey" texts ever and that's the only common denominator.
Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
Stumbled into class and into a desk. When I fell my bottle broke in my backpack. I had to leave there was vodka everywhere.
This bitch flirting at the bar needs to close her legs and open up a book. I can literally feel my IQ dropping every time she bends down to show her tits.
Jealous?
Very.
Some random walked into our tent, woke her up and said "Harry Potter must not go back to Hogwarts!"
I had to put a towel over my laptop because the little power light was too bright. New hangover low.
Who knows. I'd probably only get a makeout with an OTPHJ from her so the return on sexual investment from her isn't looking that great.
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
In honor of today being Sunday I am day drinking and watching Grey's Anatomy all day. ALL DAY.
In Texas. Drank way too much wine. Puked in a gallon zip lock bag. Passed out at 445 with the ENTIRE family here. Got up at 745 in time for dinner. I made you proud!!!
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
Yea I went out in footie pajamas and still got laid. Good night for u?
You took off your shirt and pulled out a bottle of cherry uv and a slushee. That's when I knew you came to party
Randomize
