Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
We are lost and the only things we have are peanut brittle, cookies and vodka. I think we'll make it.
what's the appropriate greeting for someone whose bed you've had sex with someone else in?
You then showed up downstairs in only a robe, telling everyone how you were "the most chivalristic fratstar ever."
The penis is a tricky weapon to use. When using it as leverage you have to make it seem emotional. I'd rather use it as a club sometimes.
There's glitter in my speakers, piles of cheezits on the floor, a random Audi in the driveway and a homeless dude napping in a lawn chair in the backyard. Wtf happened last night?
I called my mom while I was blackout drunk, and told her I was drunk, safe, and happy. But really, I was just drunk.
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
I just want him to hold me after a bad midterm. Is that even too much to ask for after sleeping with him twice?
Masturbated while waiting for my face mask to dry, so it was a productive night.
We still getting married? Or were you day drinking
He’s perfect! He listens to Genesis during sex and has a VW bus!
You really are from the panhandle, aren’t you?
I hate when he takes the condom off to cum all over me. It defeats the purpose.
It’s like having a barf bag and choosing to puke in your own lap.
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