I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
just fucked my old babysitter, gotta love block parties
the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
shes the only person ive ever met that could make "i don't swallow" sound sexy
He waited exactly 18 minutes to booty call me after his break up.
That commercial was clearly aspirational. I think Arbor Mist would pair nicely with Oscar Meyer
Is there a coat check? I stole 10 vases of flowers along with two bottles of champagne and I'm not sure what to do with them.
I just hit your bf in the face with a mustard bottle and the guy at the table next to us bowed down to me.
That happens a lot to the people around me. It's like I'm radioactive but instead of cancer, you get desensitized to the word cunt
Congratulations, you have turned my vagina into a garden hose.
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
How does one tell their boyfriend they're pregnant with someone else's kid??
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
Dude I'm fucking tired of freshman, there are god damn teeth marks on my dick again
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
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