some old guy just shit himself in my section. everyones leaving
if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
it was a 10 min screaming orgasm. i don't care that you were next door and didn't appreciate all the noise.
I can't tell if your life is amazing or needs reevaluation when "did I get hit with a nightstick" is a legitimate question.
There is a slip-n-slide in the hallway and a girl just did it topless cuz I told her it was my birthday. Where are you?
Well, for starters, she called the condom a "dick mask."
I SHIT YOU NOT a mailman helped me leave without waking him up.
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
It's always nice when a total stranger hates your ex just as much as you think they should.
Im like a saiyan, last weekends hangover will only make me stronger
apparently I got pissed off that no one would let me spray them with a bottle of champagne at midnight of the new year. so I sprayed myself with one shirtless in the near freezing cold outside
I'm glad you don't care about kids. That's one of your better qualities.
The irony of the fact that I'm going to be starting my period on Thanksgiving. Something to truly be thankful for.
I was drunk in the shower and i decided to shave. Im now bleeding to death
Regardless I WANT TO BE YOUR SEX DISPENSARY. that is like the career I was born for.
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