just had a dream there were parent teacher conferences in college...scariest dream ever.
Chillin with my Grandpa and my grandma tells us there is a tornado warning. My grandpa then says "We'll go hang out in the basement, we can bring the keg with us." This is why I love coming home
I've decided the third guy that I slept with is who I lost my virginity to...
One of the bamboo sticks broke and impaled him. I think he's drunk enough that it shouldn't hurt until tomorrow.
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
I am now being bribed with one orgasm per every meal I eat. This is the best anorexia therapy ever
Blow job season was short but glorious.
When he wakes up tomorrow with half shaved legs smelling like a preteens bathroom, I'm sure he will think he has had a great evening
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
It's all fun and games until you rupture a testicle
He then used a box cutter I keep in my car to open the plan b. Who says chivalry is dead?
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
I would definitely ride that dick into the sunset if nuggets are involved
It's such a sad loss when a hot guy finds Jesus and grows a neckbeard
Randomize
