If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
i just saw a guy carrying a medieval times commemerative glass filled with vomit.. there were 2 people cheering him from behind
He yelled IN THE FACE!! while cumming on my face.
I bought a zebra print bikini, I'm gonna be honest here- if he doesn't want to have sex with me in this, he's gay.
Wanna hang out? my DILF had to dip out for his sons little league game
That boy has a whole ocean of crazy lying just beneath the surface waiting to rise up, he's like the tar sands of crazy
can't decide if i look like a hooker or a missing member of Poison today
Hey I'm sorry for head butting you last night. Personally I thought it was funny at the time, but I can see how from your perspective it may not have been as enjoyable for you... Hope your lip is okay.
Besides the one of you shaking your cock for 10sec that was one of the best snapchat's ever haha
Do you think they'll deliver pizza to my mouth
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
The Easter sex puns were too abundant
duddde i wasn't even home last night and someone elses clothes are on my floor and there glow sticks everywhere?!
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
Randomize
