he said he didn't have a condom.
and you said?
that that's fine cause i was ready to be a mom. yeah - he magically had a condom he forgot about after that.
umm..so Dad's wearing a thong, I don't know what to do
put a dollar in it?
nothing like a negative hiv test and a bag of condoms to brighten my day.
Their bromance is so intense that they don't even eye-fuck when they see each other....they eye-make-love.
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
thankjk goddddn taco bell uis open htis lateee!
you do know it's eleven in the afternoon, right?
Just finished texting the 27th male name in my phone that i don't recognize. none of them were the hott kid i made out with last night. the search continues.
But she tried her best to break my penis, so she has a few free passes with me
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
Hey, I got 20% of the people home that I was responsible for. I can't be expected to do much more.
I would feel bad sleeping with her unless all of her personalities were on board with it.
I went to pick my brother up downtown and I stopped at a red light a homeless old man comes up knocks on the window shows me his penis and then screams money
He sent me a blank text message. That's a booty call waiting to happen
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
Left Las Vegas at 2:30 am, woke up at 11 AM at a Barstow gas station with the Valet from Ceaser' palace snoring in the backseat and no memory of how we got there. I felt like Raoul Fucjing Duke right then and there.
Randomize
