Let me make this really simple. We woke up this morning and fucked three times. When I got up and took a shower she cleaned up the mess from last night and did the dishes. Then we went out and she bought me brunch. I don't give a FUCK how much you don't like her.
he confused my yawn for an orgasm
i feel sorry that you can never enjoy the feeling of shaved balls
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
Man, just talk to her friend and help me out. Otherwise we go home alone
I'd rather jerk off with a hand full of bumble bees then talk to her
He just dragged himself across the floor on his back claiming to be "the swiffer" help
We ate a mysterious delivered pizza which no one ordered and then the wii wouldn't work so 20 of us watched porn on two laptops. Drunk took the awkward away.
Her family was right next to mine during christmas eve mass. Between the terrifying glares and her trying to set my sleeve on fire during the candle part I am VERY sure she knows im fucking her ex...
We haven't been trashed enough to shut down a bar together in four days. I'm starting to worry that we're growing apart.
I offered him midol and told him "it always helps my period so maybe it'll help yours"
I'm really just disappointed in myself for having sex with a musical theater major
Is it something I'm going to want to hug you for or slap you for?
no real plans this weekend. trying to derail the alcohol induced fucking hell train I've been riding for the past three weeks.
So many questions...the two most important are, where the fuck is my booze and how did you even get the couch through the door?
Randomize
