Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
I just saw a man salute the budweiser truck on the highway. I want to follow him and shake his hand.
It's not fair. Guys with dicks that huge should not be allowed to be catholic.
is it sad that I can recall my outfits by who took them off?
oh and speaking of men I've slept with. Ryan lost 1/3 of a testicle zip lining
Want to get high and go thrifting? I'm trying to succeed making my dorm look like a deranged Applebees.
They shouted last call and the guy next to me and I looked each other up and down and went in unison "yup, you'll do"
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
He had a hook in his ceiling. I think I'm in love!
Can't. Way too high. Forgot how to operate doors. Stuck outside.Come get me.
So after we found out he wasnt throwing up blood in was just hawaiian punch and we all failed breathalyzers the cop drove us around like a taxi and brought us back to the apartment
there's no judgement here...i was recently just fingered in my dorm hallway while having a conversation with 5 people.
He gave his liver a pep talk before the vodka chugging started
I know it's New Year's Eve but if you're going to have a bunch of chicks playing strip go fish in our apartment I need a heads up.
Randomize
