Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
It's not real sex if he's just convulsing inside of you.
I want to have your abortion
i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
come to Starbucks. I'm the fat girl eating a whole pizza sitting on the ground
he was once again the drunkest girl at the party
A man bought two 40's from me, then asked if I had duct tape. How do people over 50 know about Edward 40hands? It was very weird.
She was hiding under the bed to surprise me with sex. But when you took your hookup in my room to bang things out, she thought I was cheating on her. So explain it to her douche.
I don't care how much you're grieving a loss, masturbating off the side of a roof is not acceptable mourning behavior.
I did not appreciate your texts about spanking at 3'o'clock this morning.
Henceforth: booty calls will now be referred to as "deliveries of anatomy". That is all.
You got me 4 pizzas and i just saw this. I'm too drunk for this shit. I just yelled "4 pizzas holy shit!" At the pizza dude
I have a corndog on my dresser and a trashcan of puke. Thanks for a great night!
He's like a hurricane
a drunk, sexist, hurricane
all i remember is slapping you in the face with a slice of pizza while laughing maniacally.
Randomize
