New discovery: doing the Helen Keller is not as attractive as I thought it would be, in reference to the sex noises.
Mmmm, vodka for breakfast
Dude its barely eleven am and there is already a firetruck and ambulance at the shamrock...happy st paddys day
He honestly told me my belt was "supercute" when we started hooking up. I would be the girl to find the only straight man in the world that uses the word "supercute".
I'm already mentally preparing myself for the fact that I'll probably be sleeping next to a toilet.
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
nothing can ever be as bad as the night i blacked out, updated my fb status to i need a pity fuck and then passed out for 13 hours.
Friendly reminder that on the walk home you tripped but instead of falling to the sidewalk, you tried to save it and ended up headbutting my ex-boyfriend in the balls. ILU.
he bit THROUGH my nipple
plus side, no need to pay for a piercing.
Happy birthday and sorry I punched your friend in the face
I don't care how hot he is. I will not strip for him to country music.
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
I told him I wanted to get on him and ride him to Montana. It didnt end like i thought it would.
I'd rather explain to the cops why I'm naked than why I'm drunk.
Randomize
