Well I'm going to a gay club in my banana suit. You should come. My bro is going as a pirate. I don't know if there's a theme.
Let's hear it for middle of the street handjobs ladies and gentlemen
can you explain to me why you commented on every one of my profile pics with "tits and beer ftw" please and thank you.
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
Wydf in so deruk i just dowwned a packet if salt waitibg for food at del taco
He went bowling in his bathroom.. And shattered the toilet.
i feel like this needs to be a 'lose some teeth' kind of weekend.
How is it that you get into at least one taco related fight a year?
my roommate is sobbing and looking at photos of elephants. i'm so confused.
It feels kinda weird thanking you for sucking my dick, but I just don't know what else to do right now
It was that same situation where "cuddling on the floor" was actually just code for "rough shameful hate sex" hahaha.
Um...celebrating is an understatement. You flashed the guy at the mexican restaurant and then screamed, "It's just my bikini, I swear!"
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
Knew i was going to puke. So i grabed a bowl out of the kitcken in the dark before bed...Ended up puking into a spaghetti strainer...
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME! I SAID I WANTED SOMEONE CLASSY AND INSTEAD YOU SET ME UP WITH A GUY THAT JUST TOLD ME HIS FAVORITE PLACE TO FUCK IS ON HIS SWAMPBOAT “THE SLAMHOG!”
I DON’T WANT TO FUCK IN A SWAMP
First of all, his AIR boat is named “Slam Hog” not “The Slamhog.” Second, it’s top of the line. Third, don’t dismiss swamp sex before you try it!
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