she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
hey is it cool if i invite some fat girls to the party so i can be the skinny one?
yeah okay. but if i take one home with me you have to come over in the morning and tell her to get her shit and go.
Hurricane Earl: Get Blown party at my house friday! Byob: bring your own bitch/booze. Must have 80s blown hair style, kazoo/noise maker (vuvuzelas/airhorns are allowed), and/or bubble wands. \n
Why am I even shocked you're doing this....
In their defense you were hugging a watermelon for a good portion of the trip
That chick went from zero to shitshow in only 6 shots.
I don't think people appreciate how hard it is to fuck in a portapotty. Sarah and I had train for that shit.
I only listened to his story about leaving the Amish community because I was hoping for a free drink
Either you got hacked or we need to have a serious discussion about sending penis enlargement emails to your straight friends and why you shouldn't. It sends the wrong message.
It's 4/20. I'm not too worried about "healthy"
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
One day no one will want to send me dick pics so by all means keep 'em coming
I have only made 3 good decisions in my life and getting really stoned reenacting the Lion King with my cat in a lion mane hat is 2 of them.
did you call me last night and say you were being kidnapped?
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
Randomize
