hook me up with the drugs dog keep up the good work
I finally had sex with him last night, but we used a condom so it doesn't add to my number of sexual partners.
The tornado sirens were going off and everyone just ran to the liquor store. .
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
I put bits of fruit cocktail in the jello shots i made because i knew that they were gonna be the only thing we ate all day
He really thought ahead and just left the tequila in the mail box for late night pickup. Best. Friend. Ever.
I just sang beautiful by Christina Aguilera to a kebab. This is what my life has come to.
There's no discreet way to sneak a cucumber into the shower lol
Shit on my own feet while puking from my hangover. Is this what 33 is supposed to be like?
I mean. I just want to sit in my bed and eat bagels. What's wrong with that?
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
The kitchen also doubles as a screaming room after midnight as long as you have something to muffle the sound
He showed up at 1:10AM covered in mud and vomit, wearing a headband that said victory in Japanese. I WANT PICS.
I think he was trying to be romantic, but the candle he had lit was the kind you use to repel mosquitoes..
Today I saw someone riding a horse on the sidewalk by aldi when I went to walmart. Old town road was playing on the radio. It was perfect.
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