sometimes i shoot so far i amaze even myself.
I wish I could google chicago male strippers on my work computer but I don't feel like talking to HR today
I GOT EATEN OUT IN A MERCEDES ON A TUESDAY NIGHT. I EARNED THIS SHIT.
Your TV has the DVD menu for White Chicks permanently burned into the screen. I can't anymore. That's just a whole different level that I cannot comprehend.
you have a cum towel under your bed, you're the definition of single
Have introduced beer-pong to my work's Tuesday lunches.
I wonder what my nutrition professor is going to think when I have to put 21 keystone lights, a bottle of merlot wine, and 5 rum and cokes and 4 shots of tequila on my dietary analysis
Tell your friends I said hi and that if they touch your penis I'll cut off their hands.
"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
You need to be full form and virile tomorrow so I can live vicariously through your rub and tug.
this could be the second dad I've smoked weed with
He doesn't deserve you. Your ass looks 8 times better than his face ever will. Wanna order pizza and watch porn?
I came so hard I literally levitated off the top of his dick. Gravity was no match for that orgasm!
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
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