Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
i am NOT doing that with my feet, or any part of my body
my drunk uncle just explained that turkeys are not gentle lovers... and no context doesn't make it better.
Soo I have a handle of 100 proof captain, cupcakes, and nothing to get up for in the morning.. This blizzard is shaping up to be a great night.
maybe we can find two twins tonight and bang them together and then my life is complete
I'm not trying to go crazy tonight either. I just want to go out, have a few drinks, meet up with my ex-boyfriend and get fingered or something.
She said i kept moaning her moms name instead of hers
Smoked a topless bowl this morning. For International Women's Day. Quite liberating.
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
He recreated the night that started all my mothers days. We shared a joint, drank Boones Farm, and dry humped to the Beastie Boys. Then I cried over MCA's death. Best. Gift. Ever.
Well my summer started by me waking up in a tube on the side of the pond this morning with 2 of my friends. So that's good..
As a plus, I've lost 5 pounds in two days, so "party all weekend" is officially a valid diet plan.
I went out to dinner with the girls thinking I'd be home early. Instead I ended up in the Englishman's hotel room. Long Live The Queen.
Its like he got lessons from Jesus on how to use his tongue. And his dick.
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